I am not going to run anymore...

When life for me got real hard and i really didn't want to deal with things, I ran away. When i was little, i did like what every little boy did. I packed up all my toys into a large garbage sack and I ran away, usually just hiding behind the cars or underneath them in the garage. In my teens, I would grab my dog Yuki and i would go for a walk. This time since i could cross roads without having someone older with me I was able to run away to the park down the street. Or i would sneak out at night and go to my friends house, throw pennies at her window and talked until the sun came up. After I learned how to drive, I would go for drives, trying to leave whatever i was thinking about behind and walking away. Just kind of putting it off for another day to worry about it or just trying to forget it.

When I got older in college, when things got too built up, i found it hard to run away anywhere nearby. Provo and Orem just wasn't big enough to just "runaway". I would go to Provo Canyon, right by the first park there is a dam, right by this dam on the side that you could just walk to I would sit and throw rocks. I guess the river wasn't deep enough. It didn't take my rocks and bury them. So I did what i could now that I was a grown up. I packed my things and left in an Airplane, going behind the "car in the garage w/ my toys" and waiting the situation out until the "sun came up".

So I have been gone now. I have been on that really long "walk with my dog" for 5 months now. I feel that some of the things I wanted to be buried in the river finally have sunken to the bottom, never to rise again. Or is it...

I purchased a round trip ticket to Utah. I leave in 2 days. It's only for several days. At times I am excited and at times I am worried. What if I try to go swimming and bring those rocks out from the bottom? You know, fish them out and try to dry them off? I don't want to. But there's always that... what if. It's worried me since I bought my tickets a month and a half ago...

Then I a couple of days ago, I found myself running... again. I was driving fast. A lot on my mind. When I finally realized where I was going, I saw the North Carolina border... Here we go again. Looked in my car. I had in my car my brand new iPod, a Harry Potter book, and my cell phone. Basically all my toys piled in my car. Something that happened made me do what I was doing. And it seemed like maybe I was running away again. I crossed the border and sat in my car thinking...

No! I am not running anymore. Never again will I run. I will come face to face with what I want in life and I will deal with it how ever it needs to be handled. No more beating around the bush in life. No more taking the truth, tying them to rocks and aiming for the deepest hole. No more will I be running from life.

So with that in mind. Utah is no longer my home. It is no longer some place that I can run back to if needed. I can visit and make it fun. But it's not a place where i will try to pull out my rocks and dry them off. I've locked the back door and i am not sneaking out anymore... Well not metaphorically at least... (so glad my parents do read this)

So... I am excited to go back to Utah now. I am excited to see my brother's Loyd and Chris. Nancy my freakin awesome sister in law. Koji, the nephew that was worried i would forget him cause he loves me. And Levi, the other nephew that knows my voice and is scared of nothing. And all my friends that I want to see. And for those that are at the bottom of the river, sorry. Swim upwards if you can, but I mean freak think about it... It's soo cold you think I am crazy to go swimming? Utah is going to be fun this time around. Well at least for 5 days anyhow... See y'all when I come.