Monday, March 09, 2009

Praise to da MAN!!!! Who da man? J SMITH DA MAN!!! DOG!

"Praise to the man who communed with Jehovah!"

So recently i was asked to go along with my roommate to home teach. He said that he would have the lesson planned and that all i needed to do was attend. Figuring there was no harm in this, i agreed to come along. After having the usual chitter chatter, my roommate went into the topic of the lesson he had prepared... "The Fruits of the First Vision". To tell you the truth, I was kind of excited to talk about this topic. Previous to this meeting, i had several discussions with several people concerning the "first vision" and also about visions in general. I had also read up on several things that discussed the "first vision" but was most deeply touched by what was written by Richard L Bushman in the book A Rough Stone Rolling about the incident. As the discussion continued on, something that had started bothering me a while back creeped in. I kind of got side tracked from their conversation and ended up zoning out. The next thing i heard from their conversation was,

"Bobby, what gratitude and joy do you have for Joseph Smith?"

"Um... sorry, what did you say?

"Concerning the first vision, what gratitude and joy do you have towards the Prophet Joseph Smith"


I swear i heard crickets... Yes crickets in the church building.

"Hail to the Prophet, ascended to heaven!"

That would of been funny if that was the first thing that came out of my mouth. But... thankfully it wasn't. Now don't get me wrong here, i didn't pause because i didn't have anything to say. I paused cause i was taken back by what i realized was being asked and what the conversation was that i had drowned out.

The whole conversation that I had drowned out was a lot of giving thanks and praises to Joseph Smith. There was a lot of talk about all the miraculous things Joseph Smith did. The two shared several stories of things that we learn throughout our youth, that in truth, tell really awesome campfire stories.

"Joseph Smith carried the heavy plates and ran and this and that..."
"Joseph Smith came from a humble home this and that..."
"Joseph Smith had the first vision and then this and that..."

They had each shared really awesome stories of Joseph Smith and explained their praise to him and how grateful they are to all the work he did. And then they turned to me to say something...

"My gratitude? Hmm... Gratitude towards Joseph Smith for being a good example and doing what he thought was right and according to his beliefs. My joy? Hmm... Joy comes from knowing i have a good example to follow."

"Blessed to open..."
"Praise to his memory..."
"Honored and blest..."
"Great is his glory..."

song entitled "Praise to the Man" used to be one of my favorites. With it's powerful words and the tune derived from "Scotland the Brave" it would get me everytime. I would back then proudly give my "praise to the man".

But as I grow older, it starlted me how much "praise" and "glory" we give to Joseph Smith. It seemed to me that we gave so much "praise" and "glory" that ended up creating mere mortals into something greater that have many stellar "God-like" qualities. It reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Braveheart (which i might add, during the movie (not in the clip) you can hear Scotland the Brave being played).

William Wallace: Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace.
Young Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall!
William Wallace: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

Having grown up in Utah, i was surrounded by all the history and great stories of the Prophet Joseph Smith. We spoke constantly of Joseph Smith. We bore constant testimonies of Joseph Smith. We had statues erected to Joseph Smith for all the work he did. And as i pointed out, we sang songs about Joseph Smith. Pretty much Joseph Smith was the ICON of every young latter day saint. I wouldn't doubt that at one time when i was younger, I probably believed that Joseph Smith could shoot fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his... fingertips.

But who was Joseph Smith to receive all this praise and worship? (Now i know several of you might have a fit and say we do not worship Joseph Smith, but sorry... If you look at it from a perspective of someone from the "outside", we are pretty much worshiping him.)

This was something that really bothered me. I thought long and hard about this. Was this something that we did? Were we command to give so much praise to him? Did he ask for this?

The usual answer i have gotten is, "We are so grateful that we show that gratitude by giving praise." Ok, i agree. To an extent we should be grateful. But come on people, aren't we a little over doing it? Songs? Statues? Joseph Smith Birthday Celebration?

"Next year for Joseph Smith Birthday Day, I want a pony!"

Ok so then i look at it with the perspective of having gratitude and giving praise. Have we over done it so badly that we take away many of his human like qualities so that it fulfills what we believe the mantle of such a man should be? Does that help us grasp the concept of what Joseph Smith did better? Does seeing Joseph Smith less of the folk magic practioner and more of the fun loving stick wrestling buddy buddy ease our minds and help us accept his work and calling? Can a man that uses seeing stones (for other purposes than translating) be worthy of a song entitled "Praise to the Man"? I feel (and this is just my belief) that we have put Joseph Smith on such a high mantle that anything that "we" may feel is "wrong", he obviously didn't participate in and is deemed incorrect or all to commonly deemed "anti propaganda".

Sorry, i think i went off on a tangent there, but all i am trying to say is, where are we directing our praise? Is there a little too much directed in the wrong places? Should emphasis but put more on the phrase "Come follow me..." and not "Come praise me..."? Jesus Christ (as himself- meaning during mortal ministry) never asked for our praise and glory. He asked us to come follow him. Do as He is doing. Wouldn't the best way to worship God is to live a life worthy of Their praise? So how do we do that?

Little less praisin, little more raisin...

Now don't get me wrong here... again. I am very serious and sincere in what i said about my gratitude for Joseph Smith. I do believe there is an importance to the "first vision". I believe he taught us by example that we should RAISE ourselves up and follow what we believe. What do i believe? Well I'll leave that for another time.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Update: This is me now

So i've decided to write more in my blog again... It kind of makes me happy. I've updated two blog posts from another blog that i had written. There was some other ranting and ravings but i felt these two posts summed up a lot for me and so I didn't add any others.

The journey I've made that started last June has been an interesting one. Like i said i would, I gave up everything in hopes that i would be free to do anything. I reformatted my hard drive in hopes to put in new programs that i choose. I put an open source OS in cause i wanted to steer away from the major corporation that has us running all of it's name brand associated programs because of the feel of necessity. I pack on all open source programs to do the jobs i want it to, so that i have more freedom to change and adapt as i see fit. I do admit at times i still go back to the use of major corporation software. Not because of the feeling of necessity, but by choice and because at certain times, it has to offer what i have not been able to find in other places. Because of these changes, I am now content with what i run on my hard drive.

But is that good enough?

Yes. It is for me... Right now.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

(9/13/08) To fight a good fight...

"If you take a non typical Bible to church and have to borrow someones scriptures, they think you needed their scriptures cause the Bible you brought is wrong. You only did because you need that damn index."

So in my last post, i talked about how i needed to just let go. Give everything up and start new. Update: I did. And let me tell you, it's been great. Slowly I've been able to figure out a lot of things about myself without using the methods and means by which I've been taught my whole life. And might I add the beach has been amazing each weekend this summer.

"When you don't partake of the sacrament, people start wondering what sins you committed. I just start wondering what germs were all over the hands of the guy who tore the bread up."

When i started to make my way through figuring stuff out, I followed the beat of my own drum. I stopped doing everything that seemed to be customary of me to do. You know, like stuf that I did just because that's what i did every time that situation arose. Let me tell you... It's been different. I stop saying stuf that has become part of repetition. I stopped doing things because i felt like i had to. I started doing the things i felt like i wanted to. I started to feel like i was real. I was me.

"You grow a beard and some people think it's part of your rebellion. I look at their popped collar and think it's part of their rebellion from decency."

I had a nice talk with someone the other day. They felt strongly for something that was being voted on in certain parts of the country. I felt strongly opposed to it. It led to a discussion of beliefs and following those beliefs. I told him straight up how i feel. Then had the audacity to ask me if my father new what i believed (being that my father is a religious leader). To his surprise, i told him yes and that he is fine with it because my father believed along some of the similar lines that i did. He continued along the lines of "whatever" and "your just rebelling to rebel". Just because we are out of their "norm" does it mean we are out of THE "norm"?

"You look at him as if he's just bitter. I look at him as if he's the savior of my thoughts and you're just bitter because you're a slave to your own."

My brother is the smartest man i know. Not because he has all the right answers, but because he is an example of how we should live and act with the answers we have found. I remember several years back when i had come home from Japan, I at times found myself defending him after some comments he had made. Not because i felt he was wrong and had to make excuses for him, but because i understood him. I understood how he believed certain things and how those things made him act upon it. I believed on a lot of similar things, but I didn't know how to act upon it. I think because i was too afraid of acting or saying the same things, i bottled it up so that i would fit in their "norm". And trust me, to fit in the BYU "norm" it took a lot of bottling up. But i always looked up to my brother and how he was able to be comfortable with what he believed and how he acted upon those beliefs. And now, even though it has taken me a long time, I feel like i am free from what held me bound to trying to be part of their "norm". Now, I am focusing on being my "norm".

(6/12/08) One year come and gone and now death seems to sing its song...

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

-Grace (Diary by Chuck Palahniuk)

It's a fact of our so called life. We all die. Having worked in a Dialysis Clinic for about one year now I have experienced death more than I probably have my whole life. 12 deaths in less than 12 months. 12 individuals that i had gotten to know. 12 people that I practically spent more time with then anyone else in the last 12 months. 12 humans I cared about.

Ms J was the first experience with a patient passing away. One day she didn't show up for treatment, so i called the nursing home. They had explained it as, "Ms. J expired..." What the hell? Expired? Who says that. Being my first experience while working there it troubled me a bit. The word expired bothered me to no end. Who says that about an individual? Will somebody one day say that about me? I started to ask the question to myself, "When do I expire?" "Where's my expiration date label so I know when to prepare?" "Have I already spoiled but just fail to notice and am left on the shelf in the back part of the fridge, just waiting for my time to be thrown out?" I made the decision right there and then to change that. No way in hell was i ever going to let anyone be known as "expired".

Mr. M passed shortly after Ms. J. His passing came as a surprise to me. He seemed fine the last time I had seen him. Just one day, he wasn't there anymore.

Probably the most awakening experience was the passing of the next patient, Mr. M#2. Mr M#2 for a while had been deteriating in health. For several weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. One day while he was in our center running on dialysis, he passed away. I remember the feeling that came over when nurse had announced that he had no pulse and was not breathing and that CPR needed to be preformed. After performing different tasks for the CRN and the paramedics arrived, something clicked with me as i watched in awe as they carried our deceased patient away on a stretcher. The reality of the future occupation that i am pursuing settled in. I turned from the scene, took a deep breath, and moved on to help the next patient with whatever task they required. Death happens. Yes it is sad, but it happens to everyone. As the Narrator once said, "On a long enough timeline. The survival rate for everyone drops to zero." If i want survive in my profession, I need to just move on to the next patient and take care of them. Oh, shit happens, then we move on I guess.

“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.”
-The Narrator (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)

Mr. R loved his wife. Everyday I saw him he told me how much he missed his wife after she passed. One day, the nursing home told me he expired.

Mr. P slept with his mouth wide open. Told me once i was amazing with tape. He used to bring his own clamps in that way he can go home with them on and didn't have to stick around that place. One day, the nursing home told me he expired.

Mr N was homeless. He was always mean. You know that old saying, "Crack kills"? Nope... it was the aneurysm after he did crack. Nobody told us he expired. Just that he did crack and died.

Ms. C was the sweetest quietest lady you could know. Hated to be stuck by needles but always tried to make the best of it. One day she just figured she just wanted to stop and enjoy the rest of her time and not be stuck anymore. No need to be told she expired. Average person can't live more than a week and a half off of dialysis.

Mr. C worked all the time. Every time he came in he was talking about how he had to leave early cause he had work. Only thing was he worked his heart to hard. Someone called and told us... He expired.

Ms. Carter... She is one that i will use her name. Ms Carter once told me, "If I was a little bit littler Rob... Me and you. He he he he." One time I caught her with her feet in the air, falling out of her chair. All she wanted to do was go home. She had a crush on me. I told her I always wanted an 85 yr old sugar momma. She got a big grin on her face. One day she tried eating her hand cause she thought it was chicken wings. I used to have to pick her up and help her into her wheelchair and while doing so, sometimes we danced... Her daughter called me up and told me one day she wouldn't be coming in anymore... No matter how many times it happens and what you tell yourself, it still hurts.

“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Misty (Diary by Chuck Palahniuk)

Ms. W I always kind of found annoying. She would cry and yell all the time. Her sister, who was her caregiver, didn't give her the proper care. It wasn't until I saw the sores on her leg that would end up being the reason for her to stop dialysis that i had compassion. But once I saw the care that she was given by her supposed loved ones, I changed. In a way i felt like I wanted to be the one to give her the proper care she deserved. She went back to West Virginia to end her time on this earth with her mother and her kids. Her boyfriend came in the other day and told us... She had passed.

Ms. L suffered. They had taken bits and pieces of her foot then leg due to her diabetes. Before that she was a sweet old lady always willing to crack a small joke here and there. One day, the nursing home told me she expired.

The most recent has been probably the hardest one to date. Mr. Cumberland. This fine gentleman never had anything bad to say about anyone. He was one of the first patients that let me stick him. Scared me half to death when I tried. He always would make a whining sound and a lot of noise about the needles when it was time to stick him. Overtime I came to find out, he wasn't really that scared but more of a character and did it to lighten the mood. This man was such an amazing person. We had many talks about so many things it's hard to remember. An amazing thing that i always admired was that whenever there was another patient in the hospital that he knew, he would always go in and see them and come back and tell us how well they were doing. This man had a heart of gold. I wasn't there that day, but my friend called and told me... He had passed that morning.

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
- Brandy (Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk)

Now I tell you these things for a reason. I hope it gives you an understanding of what the next chapter in the book of my life is. See it kind of as the little bit at the end of a chapter that makes you just want to keep on reading to the next chapter. If they wrote prologues for chapters, that is what it would look like.

After the death of one of our patients, a co-worker of mine was very concerned for the salvation of the patients soul. He went on to say how he wished he had time to ask the patient if he had accepted Jesus in his life as his Savior. He went on to try and explain to me that cause if he hadn't, the Bible was very clear on the fact that he would not be in God's presence.

Now being the Mormon that i was, I had one of those Mormony moments where in my head i told myself, "Yeah, but God's plan is greater than that. He still has his chance even though he died."

But that little phrase got me thinking... What if they still don't choose to accept Jesus as their Savior? In the LDS book Gospel Principles it says:

"In the spirit prison are the spirits of those who have not yet received the gospel of Jesus Christ. These spirits have agency and may be enticed by both good and evil. If they accept the gospel........ leave the spirit prison and dwell in paradise.

Also in the spirit prison are those who rejected the gospel after it was preached to them on earth or in the spirit prison. These spirits suffer in a condition known as hell. They have removed themselves from the mercy of Jesus Christ.........After suffering in full for their sins, they will be allowed to inherit the lowest degree of glory, which is the telestial kingdom."
-Chapter 49, Page 289

Now in Mormon doctrine, the telestial kingdom is the lowest glory that you can obtain. It's described as not being as bad as hell, but definitely we should strive for a greater glory. Now well what i wonder is this, would a person after dying be more easily inclined to accepting the gospel? Does he all the sudden die and be like, "oh geez, I am an idiot! Jesus is my Savior!". Again in Gospel Principles on the same page where it was discussing what spirits are like, it reads :

"Spirits carry with them from earth their attitudes of devotion or antagonism toward things of righteousness. They have the same appetites and desires that they had when they lived on earth."
-Chapter 49, Page 289

So say a man that is a devout Buddhist dies. His whole life he devoted himself to doing what he believed was right. Never did harm to anyone, never did things that would be considered wrong, let's just say he lead a good "Christian" life, but he was strictly firm believer Buddhist. Now says he dies. According to this, he will have the same feelings and desires as he did on the earth. So even though he was probably a better person than many "members", does he not have the ability to obtain the highest degree of Heaven? I kind of find that hard to swallow. And for all you die hard Christians who believe the same as my co-worker, trust me, I find your doctrine even harder to swallow. I think a man like that would deserve to live with God and be the happiest he can, even if he doesn't choose Christianity or take part in certain "ordinances".

This is where i start getting to the point where i get frustrated with organized religion. Now just hear me out on this before you get all flustered. What if Christianity and all major religions are just all one part of the whole of which is God's true religion. What if say for example, Christianity is a denomination of God? What if Buddhism or Islam or Hinduism, is just a denomination of God? I mean look at the core of a most legit religions. A lot of them have one major theme in common. Building of a community. Christians call it a "Church", Islam refers to it in their "5 Pillars of Islam", and Buddhism refers to it in "Dependent Arising". They all believe that building up of righteous people in a community where they can live in harmony is very important. These major 3 religions believes in prophets that received revelation and gave it to the people. Why couldn't God of spoken to 3 different men, who took their interpretation of what God had told them and applied it to the society and culture in which they lived? I mean that's what the people in the Book of Mormon did, right? Also that's what Joseph Smith did. So why not for everyone?

“You are not special. Your are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)

Now i am not trying to convince anyone. I am just explaining what how I came to the point that I am now and why I am taking this journey.

"Your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life."
-Manus (Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk)

I love my parents to death. Their teachings in life have made me become the man i am today. But I feel that when their teachings have ended and I am let go of on my own, I need to know what that is. I need to know what i believe and where I belong in this world. Unfortunately putting myself under the same restrictions, I tend to follow the same lines and end up back where i started again, with even more questions. I did it once before and I ended up doing it "their way", but look where i am now... Finding it harder then it was last time.

"Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)

So ya, that's what I am doing. I am starting fresh. I am taking a step back. I need to know. In the movie Tyler Durden says: "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." I want to be able to do anything and find what it is I believe without feeling i have to do it within certain guidelines.

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)

I feel i am too much outside of the realm of most Mormons and by going along the way I have been, I'll just be basically be putting "feathers up my butt". Why go further with it, when I am really not "with it"? I feel i may have done it cause that's what was expected of me. That's what people thought of me. So now I just need to find out what I think and expect of me.

“Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”

-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)

And once I do that, I know I will.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

So what's new and other stuf...

So first things first... What's new? Absolutely nothing.

Life just seems just about the same. Well not really the same, but I have nothing to complain about. Things go up, and things go down. That's what I found out about roller coasters. Friday went to Busche Gardens. Apparently when a roller coaster climbs real high, it has to go down. And according to the makers of Apollo's Chariot, it goes down real fast and very steep like. Can anyone make an anology to life here? Raise of hands?

"OH OH, OOOH OOOH, HEY HEY! Teacher pick me!"

But I guess that's why we ride roller coasters. We enjoy the scenery from up top, we drop down real fast, our hearts skip a beat then we pick it back up. Then when it's all over we do it again.

"What a friggin idiot" isn't the nice thing to say, but it's the first that comes to mind.

And now for other stuf... Do you like stuf? I still do. Why do you ask? Cause when we know what life we want to lead, we don't change. Change from a life that you have setup for yourself is a life that you want. Now we need to make adjustments here and there, but when there is a certain path of life that we want, and it is something good, why change? Change is what falls out of your pants at the laundry mat. It was yours, you did enjoy it while you had it, but once you forgot about it, it becomes someone elses treasure. Now it's all up to the new person on how they want to treat it... Trust you and me, I am the one always with my head in the dryer, looking for the change so I can have my treasure.

"Confused" is the first thing I think about after reading that paragraph, but for some reason, to me it makes sense.

Friday, April 07, 2006

What are dreams really...

Its one of those things that consumes your mind cause you just want to know.

So it's like this. Have you ever had a dream that sucked so bad and wasn't a nightmare? You know, one of those kinds that hurt so bad you wished it was a nightmare?

Cause you know, with nightmares, you wake up all the sudden in a cold sweat and realize it was just a bad dream. An "'s over" kind of thing. Case closed, you breath and your fine.

And in dreams that suck, you are left in the dream and you still feel the hurt, sadness, and pain. Unable to wake yourself from the sadness, you have to sit there and endure it all. Your stuck, unable to control the thoughts of your own dream self. It's the whole you control the puppet controlling a puppet thing. Very difficult. Only one that I've seen do that is John Malkovich. And that was only a movie. Are dreams only just a movie?

What do dreams mean? Some think it's the future...lets hope not in this case. Some think it's our deepest feelings...lets hope not in this case. Some think it's the silly ramblings of the left hemisphere of our brain and is just plain nonsense...lets hope no~...well, that wouldn't be so bad in this case.

I think last night was a product of a fear I have. Hard thing was, like most dreams, I was the puppet's puppet. It felt like I lived it. And it was tough to live. It hurt and I couldn't leave. I had to watch it all play out in front of me until it showed everything it wanted to. Why couldn't it of been just a nightmare and ended early? You know, one of those kinds when you wake up with a scare, you breath, and then realize it was nothing but a dream. Cause now I question if I had to see it cause it was the future... Oh boy

Sunday, April 02, 2006

And so... this means what?

So I received an email from a friend. It was a nice email. Very nice. It even made me say aww. But then it made me think, wow that's a lot of nice things she said... and? Well I'll explain later. Here's some snipets from it...

"hey booby...just wanted to say I missed you. and its always fun to have you here. and your always so nice to talk to...ok ok i am going to list all the good qualities about bobby....ready set GO!!"

-"Um okay" isn't the right thing to say but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

good listener
good advice
always there for you
always doing something fun
loud and exciting

-Book of Frank Chapter 3 Verse 30 "And when ye have charity say something nice to someone . And if that person doesn't believe in what ye say, ye shall hear a small voice that says... "um okay" and ye shall know that he doesn't know what to say."

good sport about the gayness thing
always optimistic
good with kids
goes to chruch
likes everyone
makes fun of people with me
does the dishes when i cook"

-"really? I am a good sport with the gayness thing?"
isn't the right thing to say but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

"is kinda of asian
is my "gay" (meaning happy) friend
can dress in a speedo and take a picture of it
still calls and checks in even tho you moved away
never lets me get depressed
always helping if i need help"

-Letters to the Bigheads Chapter 4 verse 2 "And when ye find good qualities in someone, let them know before it's too late"

Why is it after it's too late, we learn some nice qualities of ourselves? Is it human nature to just wait on anything we got to say? I am not saying anything like this is bad or anything. I actually thought this is really sweet. I just feel that I have a problem with this. Like it's after I have gone and seperated myself I am like, "oh by the way, this is how i felt...." It's just that I don't know, seems like you just find out nice things a little too late like when you have decided which path in life to take. Not saying that this is anything deep like if it would of been said earlier things would be different. It's just nice to hear things like this sometimes when it's better timing. I guess it's hard to explain what I am trying to say.

i miss you!!!"

-"Ya i know..."
isn't the right thing to say but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The wrong thing to say at the wrong time...

Book of Tyler Chapter 3 verse 20 "And from the mouth of an idiot, nations will be destroyed. And those that lie in its wake will look upon him with much dumbfoundedness, confusionness, and hurtness."

Why does it seem like sometimes when we think we got the most amazing thing to say, at just about the most wrong time it could ever be, we say it? What i mean is for some odd, dumb stupid reason we tend to think that what we got to say is going to be the perfect thing. It's going to make life so simple. It's the thing that for some reason, to ourselves and only ourselves, we think that it would make the thing we call life a much better place.

"Selfish" isn't the right thing to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind. (I am trying to make a change)

It's a reoccuring theme through out life. It started when I was little...

"Momma mia, poppa pia. What's for dinner... diarrhea..." I was slapped... At the dinner table. If I remember correctly it was one of the times I ate alone outside on the picnic table. Age- sometime when i was little and macoroni and cheese was a gourmet lunch specialty.

"Do you wanna be my dance partner?" said she. "No, I think your friend is cute and I want to dance with her." said me. She was the girl that i knew for "oh so long". Later down the life line I even told that same girl the four letter "L" word. Things could of been different. That boy she danced with ended up being someone she ended up liking. I could of had my chance. You know, when your like little and say "you wanna be my girlfriend" or "you wanna go out with me?". Kind of funny nowadays, if you asked someone do you wanna go out with me, they'd be like "where?" but back then, that was the way to snag you a girlfriend. Oh by the way, that girl and I, we didn't make it in the end. But what if at such a young age, things could of changed what the future would of been. Age- whatever age you are when your in fifth grade

"Ya, my mommy says I can't go to the dance cause I am not old enough yet." said me to the hot drill team senior girl in my chemistry class. I was only a sophmore. You get the picture. I guess this really doesn't have to go with too much of the theme here but it sucked pretty bad anyways. I guess I could of said something cool like, ya I am washing my car this weekend. Age- 15, so ya I had no car. I had no life either apparently cause i still used the word mommy.

"I am so glad that we can be such good friends and I can talk about girls w/you" said me. "Ya... um no problem." said her. With saying such a thing, you shut down any opportunity for a relationship for like at least a 1 yr span. I ended up having a huge crush on the girl and it wouldn't ever work out cause we were "such good friends". Age- College time

"...." said me. "...." said her. You can fill in the blanks. Cause the story goes on. Same thing. Freak, it even happened last night.

"I want to take it all back" isn't the right thing to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind. ( I told you, change has to start somewhere)

I am going to fix it. I am going to think things through before I talk. I am going to start thinking about the most amazing thing to say that would be amazing for everyone else. I am going to use that spongy wrinkley thing in my head. I am going to change.

"Sorry" isn't the right thing to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind. So rather, I say, "i am going to try my hardest".

Well my G.I. Joe tractinal internal thingy is grumbling. Can mean either two things... Hungry or stress... I think it's hungry.