“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Grace (Diary by Chuck Palahniuk)
It's a fact of our so called life. We all die. Having worked in a Dialysis Clinic for about one year now I have experienced death more than I probably have my whole life. 12 deaths in less than 12 months. 12 individuals that i had gotten to know. 12 people that I practically spent more time with then anyone else in the last 12 months. 12 humans I cared about.
Ms J was the first experience with a patient passing away. One day she didn't show up for treatment, so i called the nursing home. They had explained it as, "Ms. J expired..." What the hell? Expired? Who says that. Being my first experience while working there it troubled me a bit. The word expired bothered me to no end. Who says that about an individual? Will somebody one day say that about me? I started to ask the question to myself, "When do I expire?" "Where's my expiration date label so I know when to prepare?" "Have I already spoiled but just fail to notice and am left on the shelf in the back part of the fridge, just waiting for my time to be thrown out?" I made the decision right there and then to change that. No way in hell was i ever going to let anyone be known as "expired".
Mr. M passed shortly after Ms. J. His passing came as a surprise to me. He seemed fine the last time I had seen him. Just one day, he wasn't there anymore.
Probably the most awakening experience was the passing of the next patient, Mr. M#2. Mr M#2 for a while had been deteriating in health. For several weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. One day while he was in our center running on dialysis, he passed away. I remember the feeling that came over when nurse had announced that he had no pulse and was not breathing and that CPR needed to be preformed. After performing different tasks for the CRN and the paramedics arrived, something clicked with me as i watched in awe as they carried our deceased patient away on a stretcher. The reality of the future occupation that i am pursuing settled in. I turned from the scene, took a deep breath, and moved on to help the next patient with whatever task they required. Death happens. Yes it is sad, but it happens to everyone. As the Narrator once said, "On a long enough timeline. The survival rate for everyone drops to zero." If i want survive in my profession, I need to just move on to the next patient and take care of them. Oh, shit happens, then we move on I guess.
“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.”
-The Narrator (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)
Mr. R loved his wife. Everyday I saw him he told me how much he missed his wife after she passed. One day, the nursing home told me he expired.
Mr. P slept with his mouth wide open. Told me once i was amazing with tape. He used to bring his own clamps in that way he can go home with them on and didn't have to stick around that place. One day, the nursing home told me he expired.
Mr N was homeless. He was always mean. You know that old saying, "Crack kills"? Nope... it was the aneurysm after he did crack. Nobody told us he expired. Just that he did crack and died.
Ms. C was the sweetest quietest lady you could know. Hated to be stuck by needles but always tried to make the best of it. One day she just figured she just wanted to stop and enjoy the rest of her time and not be stuck anymore. No need to be told she expired. Average person can't live more than a week and a half off of dialysis.
Mr. C worked all the time. Every time he came in he was talking about how he had to leave early cause he had work. Only thing was he worked his heart to hard. Someone called and told us... He expired.
Ms. Carter... She is one that i will use her name. Ms Carter once told me, "If I was a little bit littler Rob... Me and you. He he he he." One time I caught her with her feet in the air, falling out of her chair. All she wanted to do was go home. She had a crush on me. I told her I always wanted an 85 yr old sugar momma. She got a big grin on her face. One day she tried eating her hand cause she thought it was chicken wings. I used to have to pick her up and help her into her wheelchair and while doing so, sometimes we danced... Her daughter called me up and told me one day she wouldn't be coming in anymore... No matter how many times it happens and what you tell yourself, it still hurts.
“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Misty (Diary by Chuck Palahniuk)
Ms. W I always kind of found annoying. She would cry and yell all the time. Her sister, who was her caregiver, didn't give her the proper care. It wasn't until I saw the sores on her leg that would end up being the reason for her to stop dialysis that i had compassion. But once I saw the care that she was given by her supposed loved ones, I changed. In a way i felt like I wanted to be the one to give her the proper care she deserved. She went back to West Virginia to end her time on this earth with her mother and her kids. Her boyfriend came in the other day and told us... She had passed.
Ms. L suffered. They had taken bits and pieces of her foot then leg due to her diabetes. Before that she was a sweet old lady always willing to crack a small joke here and there. One day, the nursing home told me she expired.
The most recent has been probably the hardest one to date. Mr. Cumberland. This fine gentleman never had anything bad to say about anyone. He was one of the first patients that let me stick him. Scared me half to death when I tried. He always would make a whining sound and a lot of noise about the needles when it was time to stick him. Overtime I came to find out, he wasn't really that scared but more of a character and did it to lighten the mood. This man was such an amazing person. We had many talks about so many things it's hard to remember. An amazing thing that i always admired was that whenever there was another patient in the hospital that he knew, he would always go in and see them and come back and tell us how well they were doing. This man had a heart of gold. I wasn't there that day, but my friend called and told me... He had passed that morning.
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
- Brandy (Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk)
Now I tell you these things for a reason. I hope it gives you an understanding of what the next chapter in the book of my life is. See it kind of as the little bit at the end of a chapter that makes you just want to keep on reading to the next chapter. If they wrote prologues for chapters, that is what it would look like.
After the death of one of our patients, a co-worker of mine was very concerned for the salvation of the patients soul. He went on to say how he wished he had time to ask the patient if he had accepted Jesus in his life as his Savior. He went on to try and explain to me that cause if he hadn't, the Bible was very clear on the fact that he would not be in God's presence.
Now being the Mormon that i was, I had one of those Mormony moments where in my head i told myself, "Yeah, but God's plan is greater than that. He still has his chance even though he died."
But that little phrase got me thinking... What if they still don't choose to accept Jesus as their Savior? In the LDS book Gospel Principles it says:
"In the spirit prison are the spirits of those who have not yet received the gospel of Jesus Christ. These spirits have agency and may be enticed by both good and evil. If they accept the gospel........ leave the spirit prison and dwell in paradise.
Also in the spirit prison are those who rejected the gospel after it was preached to them on earth or in the spirit prison. These spirits suffer in a condition known as hell. They have removed themselves from the mercy of Jesus Christ.........After suffering in full for their sins, they will be allowed to inherit the lowest degree of glory, which is the telestial kingdom."
-Chapter 49, Page 289
Now in Mormon doctrine, the telestial kingdom is the lowest glory that you can obtain. It's described as not being as bad as hell, but definitely we should strive for a greater glory. Now well what i wonder is this, would a person after dying be more easily inclined to accepting the gospel? Does he all the sudden die and be like, "oh geez, I am an idiot! Jesus is my Savior!". Again in Gospel Principles on the same page where it was discussing what spirits are like, it reads :
"Spirits carry with them from earth their attitudes of devotion or antagonism toward things of righteousness. They have the same appetites and desires that they had when they lived on earth."
-Chapter 49, Page 289
So say a man that is a devout Buddhist dies. His whole life he devoted himself to doing what he believed was right. Never did harm to anyone, never did things that would be considered wrong, let's just say he lead a good "Christian" life, but he was strictly firm believer Buddhist. Now says he dies. According to this, he will have the same feelings and desires as he did on the earth. So even though he was probably a better person than many "members", does he not have the ability to obtain the highest degree of Heaven? I kind of find that hard to swallow. And for all you die hard Christians who believe the same as my co-worker, trust me, I find your doctrine even harder to swallow. I think a man like that would deserve to live with God and be the happiest he can, even if he doesn't choose Christianity or take part in certain "ordinances".
This is where i start getting to the point where i get frustrated with organized religion. Now just hear me out on this before you get all flustered. What if Christianity and all major religions are just all one part of the whole of which is God's true religion. What if say for example, Christianity is a denomination of God? What if Buddhism or Islam or Hinduism, is just a denomination of God? I mean look at the core of a most legit religions. A lot of them have one major theme in common. Building of a community. Christians call it a "Church", Islam refers to it in their "5 Pillars of Islam", and Buddhism refers to it in "Dependent Arising". They all believe that building up of righteous people in a community where they can live in harmony is very important. These major 3 religions believes in prophets that received revelation and gave it to the people. Why couldn't God of spoken to 3 different men, who took their interpretation of what God had told them and applied it to the society and culture in which they lived? I mean that's what the people in the Book of Mormon did, right? Also that's what Joseph Smith did. So why not for everyone?
“You are not special. Your are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)
Now i am not trying to convince anyone. I am just explaining what how I came to the point that I am now and why I am taking this journey.
"Your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life."
-Manus (Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk)
I love my parents to death. Their teachings in life have made me become the man i am today. But I feel that when their teachings have ended and I am let go of on my own, I need to know what that is. I need to know what i believe and where I belong in this world. Unfortunately putting myself under the same restrictions, I tend to follow the same lines and end up back where i started again, with even more questions. I did it once before and I ended up doing it "their way", but look where i am now... Finding it harder then it was last time.
"Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)
So ya, that's what I am doing. I am starting fresh. I am taking a step back. I need to know. In the movie Tyler Durden says: "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." I want to be able to do anything and find what it is I believe without feeling i have to do it within certain guidelines.
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)
I feel i am too much outside of the realm of most Mormons and by going along the way I have been, I'll just be basically be putting "feathers up my butt". Why go further with it, when I am really not "with it"? I feel i may have done it cause that's what was expected of me. That's what people thought of me. So now I just need to find out what I think and expect of me.
“Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”
-Tyler Durden (Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk)
And once I do that, I know I will.
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